so i totally flunk my physics the other day. i learnt the formulas but all the definitions came out. so hopeless. so i came home, studying for Emaths test. tuition at 7.30. learnt all about number patterns. and guess what, none of it were any close to number pattern. and the one i hated most came out, cumulative frequency, like alot okay. tbt!

training yesterday for me was awful. i hated self training the most. its like, im not important, yknow. i hate this feeling. and i hated my performance yesterday. i got angry with everything. but i started throwing tantrums only after someone added salt and pepper into it. so i was pissed throughout the training. i cried. i havent overcome that emotion barrier after all. what a failure. so i walked home, being pissed. reached home, my room was too clean. the shelves were empty. my books were gone. it was actually in boxes under the bed. even more pissed. all my sec 4 books are everywhere under the bed. this makes me want to move out of this place so badly. so sissie isnt here in Singapore anymore. slept alone for the first time, different feeling. i really dont know how long am i going to be able to live like this.

woke up this morning. sissie isnt beside me anymore. went to school. and yea, ive gotten my YOG certificate! with my name printed on it an recognizes me as an ARTIST FOR THE OLYMPIC WALK TREE PLAQUE MOTIF. i just feel proud of myself because this is not any ordinary certificate. it was given by MOE! not just a school certificate. its something BIG.

struggled to stay awake during Chemistry. seriously, i slept my normal sleeping time. but i wasnt a least bit sleepy during physics. whoa? so different from last year. i was always sleepy in physics class but so attentive during chemistry. haha. recess, and off to PHS. played against PHS today. i obviously couldnt hold my hope too high that we will win, but all i wanted was to perform well. it wouldnt be strange that we lose to them. after all, they are a volleyball niched school. the first half of the first set went really well. we were following them by 2-4 points until they reached 20 i guess? and all of a sudden, the 2-4 points gone up to 7-8 points, and they won. the second set, i really wanted a better score. but i felt like the harder i try, the harder i could earn each point. i was feeling really hopeless. despondent. i received all the out balls, and let the in balls drop to the floor. what is wrong with me?

coach pull me out 3 points before PHS won. 22. i was starting to cry. and PHS won. shook hands. i wasnt angry at them at all. i was actually happy for them. i think i idolize Huitien. her spikes were so pretty. her arm swing was so fast, her jump was so high. like duh, thats why she's in combined school. so we lost, i cried. i suck, i should die. nobody cried. only me.

went back to school, my eyes were still red from the crying. but after going back to class, i was extremely happy. i was so glad that these people are my classmates. they can make me laugh even when im at my lowest. where can you find people like this in the world? went distributing oranges to the assigned block. Chaoyi and i did second floor, with only 6 bags of oranges. and there were like 12 houses? HAHA. went up to find Val and Runfa on the 12th storey. end up eating the oranges. back down to meet the class. and back to school. waited at the canteen, and finally Old Chang Kee came. i ate alot. ps, I WAS FUCKING HUNGRY after the match. as always. thanks to MdmChan amd MrSee, other classes were obviously envious of us. HAHA. 4-1 were celebrating someone's birthday too. idk who. Lingyi came to our table and was like, "this class better. got chicken wing". they had cakes. well, we had the cake they had too. OMG. I TOTALLY LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT MY CLASS. BE JEALOUS PEOPLE, FROM OTHER CLASSES. teeheeeeeee.

came home, and was thinking for hours about why i cried. so i realize that it was because i gave up in the game. i know it was impossible to catch up when we havent even hit 10 on the scoreboard, and they so near to the match point. the fact that they are PRESBYTERIAN HIGH SCHOOL, there are nothing that we can do to win with that kind of score. but. the true spirit is to not give up. i should have done my best till the last whistle. why didnt i? it was too much, till it was obvious that coach had to pull me out. i end up crying again. WHY ON EARTH CANT I GET RID OF THIS HABIT? gosh.

alright. i promise, i wont ever let that happen to me again. i am going to do my best, because this is what i always wanted to do. to play volleyball. it was myself who chose this path out of so many. i shall convince everyone that this is the right one.